A Walking Contradiction: What Do I Really Want?

I am a peculiar creature. I often complain/whine about being single and/or never having had much in the way of a significant relationship (always with the disclaimer that I prefer to be single than wasting my time with an asshole). But then there are nights like tonight.

I had two invitations to happy hours. I declined both, ordered Chinese food, poured a glass of wine and finished off my current book (The Testament by John Grisham in case you were curious). Tonight was a wonderful evening! I'm thrilled that I wrapped up an uneventful work week (a pleasant surprise after the pace of the previous month) with a night in.

The chances of having such a night would be slim in a relationship, would it not? If you're dating someone, on a Friday night you either have plans to go out together or plans to stay in together. If you're living with someone, even if you don't have plans, he's there and you don't have the apartment to yourself. (I take immense pleasure in that!)

Why am I one minute sad about still being single in my late 20s and thrilled about it the next? If I were to "shrink" myself, I'd have to say that it's because of comfort and fear plus societal expectations. We're still inundated with messages (not to mention many friends setting the example) that we should be settling down (or at least in serious relationships with settling down potential) by now.

I'm often happy with being single. I answer to no one but me. My life is simple and free from drama.

But I also crave the love and affection that relationships supposedly bring. I don't have someone to hug me and tell me life will be OK when I have a shitty day. I don't have someone to treat me as though I'm the most amazing woman on the planet. Nor is the burden of taking care of the "grown-up" responsibilities lighter - the financial obligations and chores are only divvied up amongst the days and myself.

I'm sure that if anyone reading this is in a long-term relationship - especially married - is probably laughing at my idealism. I'm OK with that. I'm both naive and cynical at the same time. I do know that relationships are tough. One the one hand they require work. On the other, should it really require that much effort?

I clearly want to find a relationship otherwise I wouldn't have spent over a year trying the online dating scene nor would I have shelled out the $$$ for the activities club in an effort to meet people. But then again, if I really wanted to find something, I would have gone to trivia night with more enthusiasm and wouldn't be hoping that the morning's volunteer event gets canceled due to bad weather.

I'm a walking contradiction. I'm naive yet cynical. I'm hopeful yet pessimistic. I crave a relationship yet relish the freedom of single-hood. What do I really want? Who am I in reality?